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Fears and Living
Mar. 21st, 2011 10:13 amThis is a weird post for me because...
Well I have these baseless fears that seem to rule my life and I can't seem to shake them. One thing hit me today when I searched for "Fear of Trying" and one of the blog posts I read had a simple yet painful fear that actually instantly brought me to tears. "No one will hear you" was all it said.
That being said I think this harkens back to when I moved to Cincinnati when I was 9. In SC I was a pretty popular kid. I had a good amount of friends and had fun and wasn't considered a freak or anything. When I moved though that all changed. I was different, an outsider and my first best friend was ridiculed because of something I didn't realize was true until recently and because I was his friend I was also the brunt of the jokes too. I basically learned then to keep to myself and not say anything and typically not much bad happens, or cause no drama get no drama. So basically from then on I have basically lived a very dull life where I have had some interesting things happen but in general haven't fully been happy or satisfied with my life. Even going to school so I could learn to write/become a writer never panned out because I was to afraid to actually try (even after getting two of my short stories published at a interesting website that read your stories out loud).
I guess I have focused myself too much into not causing drama, not rocking the boat, not making waves, that I not only don't know how to anymore but I'm afraid to even try. What hurts even more though is if I do try I don't think anyone would notice or care, as in I don't really think anyone notices or cares right now.
I think that's why it hit so hard because I really don't feel that I make any sort of difference anywhere in life and if I try no one takes much notice. I mean I understand that you should really live life for yourself, which for the most part I have tried to do, it's still hard not to feel like you make no difference in the world.
Anyway I want to change this... No I need to change this. I need to get back into writing and focus on this. Focus on what I really want to do and not be concerned if people will like it or not. Do it for myself and if I can make something that I like then more than likely others will like it too. Just need to take that first difficult step.
Well I have these baseless fears that seem to rule my life and I can't seem to shake them. One thing hit me today when I searched for "Fear of Trying" and one of the blog posts I read had a simple yet painful fear that actually instantly brought me to tears. "No one will hear you" was all it said.
That being said I think this harkens back to when I moved to Cincinnati when I was 9. In SC I was a pretty popular kid. I had a good amount of friends and had fun and wasn't considered a freak or anything. When I moved though that all changed. I was different, an outsider and my first best friend was ridiculed because of something I didn't realize was true until recently and because I was his friend I was also the brunt of the jokes too. I basically learned then to keep to myself and not say anything and typically not much bad happens, or cause no drama get no drama. So basically from then on I have basically lived a very dull life where I have had some interesting things happen but in general haven't fully been happy or satisfied with my life. Even going to school so I could learn to write/become a writer never panned out because I was to afraid to actually try (even after getting two of my short stories published at a interesting website that read your stories out loud).
I guess I have focused myself too much into not causing drama, not rocking the boat, not making waves, that I not only don't know how to anymore but I'm afraid to even try. What hurts even more though is if I do try I don't think anyone would notice or care, as in I don't really think anyone notices or cares right now.
I think that's why it hit so hard because I really don't feel that I make any sort of difference anywhere in life and if I try no one takes much notice. I mean I understand that you should really live life for yourself, which for the most part I have tried to do, it's still hard not to feel like you make no difference in the world.
Anyway I want to change this... No I need to change this. I need to get back into writing and focus on this. Focus on what I really want to do and not be concerned if people will like it or not. Do it for myself and if I can make something that I like then more than likely others will like it too. Just need to take that first difficult step.
