cyan_icewolf

So I have still got those two sites stuck in my head. In fact it was probably the most fun I have ever had on the net.

For those of you who don't know when the internet first came out it was mostly on AOL but Nintendo was one of the companies that decided to get off AOL and host their own website. There they had loads of information and the best thing a Bulletin Board Service (BBS or what we now just plainly call Forums). The best part of this was on their AOL site and continuing in their own site they basically did interactive fan fiction. This was where they'd take one of their properties and allow people to write their own stories with their own characters. It was great! But slowly Nintendo started to pull away from that and eventually people went their own paths.

A group of them first went to Kupopolis which basically started off as Zelda Fan Fiction but started adding Chrono Trigger and many other RPGish games into the fold.

Another group which I became part of went to create VividImaginaion. At first we wanted to just continue doing our stories but rather than continue with fan fiction we wanted to create our own stuff. Not only that we wanted Vi to be an artistic website that would push the boundaries of the web at the time. Sadly it never got that far and in the end died, but not before creating awesome works of fiction.

Why do I mention all this you may ask? Well I've always loved those sites and always loved that form of writing that I am trying to start my own collaborative fiction/fan fiction/role play fiction website. I hope it will be more than just a passing fancy too. The site is readpanda.com so far I don't really have anything on it (still working on the social aspects... well right now still working on getting the site usable in general) but I hope to soon have interesting stuff.

I think everyone has mostly migrated to other forms of social media at this point but this is still nice to get things off my chest.

I started school and I love it so far. Still amazed that I am buying game related things... for school, it's an awesome feeling. My intro to programming class is going pretty well. Not sure if I am catching everything but the way the class is set up it's more of a trial and error, the more errors the more you learn. I do like how the teacher teaches us though. He lets us figure things out and ask questions when we need help. I hope I can learn more though. C# doesn't seem all that hard but we are just at the very cusp of learning what to do with it. As for Intro to Game Design... I dunno. It's partially good but also not. The teacher mainly reads from a powerpoint presentation, which is basically pulled directly from the book, so in essence if you read the book you know what's happening in class. The other portions are a bit better. Last few classes we have been playing a game and improving on it, which means getting together in groups and having a bit of fun figuring things out. Basically whenever the teacher is not talking the class is good XD, Well I wouldn't go that far even but yeah. It just goes to show different teaching styles and how they make people feel. I mean I thought I would love Intro to Game Design and hate Intro to Programming and it's almost the opposite (well not hate ItGD but not love it either).

Job front... I dunno. I feel I am getting too lazy to properly search for a decent job. I mean I don't really care for the Target job anymore even though it was nice at first. There's something good about going into something you're comfortable with, but because of that comfort level it hurts you because people really need to change and grow. I really feel like going back to Target was a step backward, whereas going back to school is a step forward, or a side step. I don't think I fully used college the first time to the best of my potential, and I really think retail jobs completely hamper the school experience mainly because the hours you are at work could be used to interact with other students and gain friends in order to prepare yourself to get a job in the field you want. Everytime I want to go to one of the clubs I have to work. It's rather annoying. And these clubs will help me get a job and know people in the field, gain that network that I never got the first time through. My old school never really stressed how important that was. This also means I need to break out of my shell a bit and try to get to know these people outside of a work/school environment.

I think that's about it for now. I hope I can get a better job soon though cause I really need the money.

There hasn't been much to say here and have actually been writing in a physical journal now just so I can write something every day, but wanted to try and post something here every day. But as long as I am writing things are good.

So what's up.

Well still looking for work and also looking to go back to school in order to get some more education in order to find a job in the field that I want. Basically narrowed down that I really want to focus on writing and video game creation/design. I really should have done that years ago but I guess needed to really figure things out for myself and see that "real work" is basically no different than anything else out there. Work is work is work no matter if you're a fry cook at McDonalds or a Secretary at some big company. I, of course, want something better but at the same time I want something that I will enjoy and not despise and instantly wish I were at home before even getting to work. I mean yeah not all work is awesome but if I describe my favorite things about the job have nothing to do with the job itself then yeah time to find something better. Still I wish it didn't happen the way it did but if it didn't I'd still be looking for something I would rather not do just to have a job and still not pursuing anything further.

Been playing around with Second Life again. I know a lot of people probably look down upon it but for me it's part of my transition to game design and writing and the area that I stay in is very cool. I love the atmosphere there and love the people there. But yeah because of this though writing stories and building things in 3D and getting some training of basic 3D items. Always loved building things in SL when I figured out how, especially buildings, but now trying to make a Literature Annex in New Babbage, where I reside in SL. So basically trying to get some reading/writing circles and get some lectures on writers, genres, and books/series. Hopefully it will work out but plan on only doing a monthly thing with it.

Anyway think that's it for now.

So applied to Target this evening and will go in tomorrow to talk to my former manager that now works in the current Target close to home. At least this time I won't have to worry about having a car. Hopefully I can get it though just because I need some income coming in and would be one less worry. Then just need to refocus on finding a job I really want.

Also today hung out with a friend and went to see "A Cat in Paris". Very good yet short french cartoon. But it was so good I'd be willing to see it again.

Okay so yesterday I said I was going to start following my dreams again but you may ask how I got here.

Well part of the severance package that my former company gave me was with a career consultant. So far I have realized that I wasn't happy at my old job because of lack of creative output, realized that I have the skills that I can try and get a creative job now, rebuilt my resume to showcase my skills from everything rather than just the jobs I have had, and got a marketing plan to be able to sell myself to prospective employers.

Still need to work on the interview process and probably really need to get more skills if I want to go into the video game industry. But if I want to be a writer... well I need to write more. Which is why I will try to update this almost on a daily basis. Writing wise I know I need to work on my details and narrow down on what I want to say. Basically need to relearn what I knew from my poetry writing class... Maybe I should write a poem again *ponders*

But yeah if you haven't noticed though this has energized me. I am like myself again and even better I'm not going to walk away or hide from failure.

It's weird... I really don't know how to feel right now.

Angry at myself and at my previous employers.

Upset that I let myself down and really didn't think this would happen.

Tired just so worn out and broken feeling

Relieved...

I hate to say this was a push to find something better but yeah. I was burnt out there and I'm sure they could tell. My work was decent for the most part but was hardly ever perfect. I never really strived for perfection either... I never really strived for anything...

So I can't say I'm overly surprised it happened. I was surprised of course and in general just because I thought I had been doing much better, but apparently not.

Merf. I dunno what to say anymore. I'm not going to bash my boss or the place because it was a good place and my boss was okay. Of course there were issues there but not getting into it just because it will turn into a huge rant I'm afraid.

This has definitely made me want to relook at my life and put forth an effort to do something that I want to do with it rather than try and get something stable... although may need to figure out what that is too.

This has been a hectic last few weeks for me, but really has opened my eyes to some things.

June 7th My ex/roommate/one of my dear friends mom died. It was sudden but apparently after reading through some of her journals she was in pain for quite some time but never told anyone. This hit me extremely hard. Jason's mom always treated me like one of the family and I cared a lot about them. So what happened she suffered a heart attack and Jason left right when he found out to check on her and see if she was okay. On his way there though he found she had already passed. I couldn't handle it. I went home from work that day and couldn't work Friday either. Saturday I took the Amtrak up to Milwaukee to meet up with him and bring some clothes (which unfortunately I brought the wrong things) and basically just be there in his time of need. I wish I could have done more but understand just being there helped him a lot.

The worst thing though this happens right before I am to take off for AC and then to visit my mom, basically two weeks away from Chicago. As much as I needed the vacation myself I really didn't want to leave Jason alone.

But to continue I had fun at AC and basically visited what at this point would consider my extended family, Kelby and Makuus. I spent most of my time with them and even went home after the con with them because I was going to see my mom right afterwords.

AC was a blast and reconnected with a lot of friends that I would say were quickly becoming family as well.

Now I am here at my moms suffering from a bit of concrud and tearing up as I write this. I feel bad that I left Jason to see my mom and to have fun, to see my extended family, and wish I could be there for him. I mean I would be jealous of me at this moment and hope he doesn't harbor any bad feelings towards me, but at the same time this vacation couldn't have happened at any better time. You never know what is going to happen and I am happy to be able to spend this time with my mom.

The other angle is too I have been wanting to move out lately, still considering the DC area and have a couple of friends willing to help me out in order to make it so, but then feel like I am abandoning Jason. I don't want to feel like making my life better is going to be detrimental to his.

So yeah emotional dump on LJ as always. Thanks for listening.

So I haven't posted here in a long time. I suppose most of my attention has been taken by Twitter which is no big surprise to many but still this was where I blasted all my thoughts. So here's my thoughts currently.

If you've ever read my LJ then you know I'm basically riddled with fears and inability to do much about them. Well recently because of a link ashland_pup put on his twitter account I have found that it has been my fears, and more importantly The Flinch that has prevented me from doing anything. The Flinch ( http://www.theflinch.com/ ) is basically that moment when you know danger is upon you and you flinch at it. Apparently some people use this to their advantage to power through things and others use it to stay safe. Apparently after reading just part of this I see that's what I am doing. I am staying safe because I fear to even fail.

I obviously need to read more but so far it has let me see that this is what the cause is. As usual the problem is trying to over come these fears, this flinch. It's not as easy as one may think. When you have nothing to loose then doing nothing comes easy, even if there is something to gain from the experience.

Okay I know what you're going to say. He's whining about his fears again, well yes I am but it seems I am trying to do something about them this time then trying to let them control me. I'm tired of fears controlling my life and leaving me a shell of a person that I want to be. I just have to get over this huge obstacle, which for some might seem trivial, but for me it's like a cliff face.

So yeah I really just wanted to post this though for other people who, like me, suffer from fear directing their lives and can't get past go because of the Flinch. It's a good book and I'm sure it will help a lot of people out of their shells of fear.

I'm trying not to make this a whining post but I just don't understand this.

I don't understand why I have this constant need to defeat myself before I even start something. I mean I come up with, what I think are, great ideas that I never take action on.

I know the basic reasons of why this is the case: I have low self-esteem, I feel I will fail at it so don't try... But in truth I don't know why I have these feelings in the first place.

I try to be a mostly logical person. I mean yes I, and well everyone really, do get ruled by emotions sometimes and that's okay, but I am letting fear beat me, and I really don't know why I'm afraid.

Maybe because I have been told multiple times that it's way too difficult to do, which in truth shouldn't be a reason to stop but a reason to work harder.

I feel there has to be something that is blocking me from tapping into this because I have the want to do it but the drive doesn't seem to be there.

Ohhh LJ how I've missed whining to you...

I think I just realized that I've lost my passion for things. What brought this up actually was what I would call a perfect job for me and trying to apply for it too late. It just made me remember that at one time I did have a passion for something. This also brought back ideas of things I want to set up and do either myself or at least be the muse for.

So this job was an assistant editor for an online video game magazine. I was editing my resume and in the morning knew it was still there but by the afternoon refresh it had been removed. I've always been passionate about video games or at least used to be. Games haven't really lost too much to me but it seems like I have lost a lot of the time to play them like I used to. I'm still excited about certain games but it's nowhere near as excited like I used to be, I guess that's just general growing up.

Anyway this just has made me rethink the store idea again but if I'm going to do it I need help from people mainly because I know I can't do it alone and also because the idea requires a few people anyway. So will probably look into getting some people who are interested in it together and try and set up something. This would also mean I have to get some experience up myself so I can be more than just the creator of this project.