Blah blah blah

Well I basically realize that work and the net are not good for me so I have basically been off the net currently while at work, unless I have nothing to do, which seems rare right now. But I think it has made me appreciate it more when I get home again... sometimes. I really do need to get on my LJ more often than I do (although still look through my friends list pretty much everyday).

So lets see what's been up with me lately.

I have started to read again on my train ride to work (although now need a new book to read). It seems if I read before work I don't feel like a brain dead zombie when I get there. I just finished reading the Prestige which is actually a god book. Now have to get the movie again just to see if they fucked it up lol. It seemed interesting but a lil bit fucked up, but so was the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen's Black Dossier. Near the end I was like WTF I guess skipping a lot of the written sections didn't help though, that and the needing 3D glasses.

I need to find some creative outlet that I am not too lazy to do, although with spring finally arriving I think my winter hibernation is getting a bit out of me and I will probably soon go to a sewing class (I have a gift certificate for it might as well). I would really like to learn how to do this though.

I think I have a failure complex... I mean I don't want to fail and because of it don't try anything. I make just enough acquaintances to get by with but don't really have that many friends... at least few that are not both me and my BF's. I just seem to be my BFs shadow sometimes and typically don't mind it too much. I think it's because I don't really have to do much that way and I don't have to get completely involved. I don't know why I just started saying all this but I really think it needs to be said. Of course the sad think is even if it is said I don't think it will change anything. With this failure thing though I don't think it's a afraid to live think but more in the sense of afraid that if I screw something up then I won't be able to live. I've always liked being in a comfort zone and not afraid of leaving it just not comfortable leaving it. But then again there are times when you have to. I finally got my work life on a track that I like and even relationship on a good track but now it's time I fix the hardest part. I need to change myself in a way that I can actually come home spend some time with my BF but then spend some time writing, or learning how to program for the web, or sew, or do something... anything that isn't sitting on my fat ass watching TV and surfing the net til I go to bed. I just don't know how to do it. It feels like I know where point A and Point B are but theres a huge fucking wall there and I'm puzzled how to tackle it and just not doing it instead. In fact I have felt like that with a lot of things. I know what I want, I kind-of know how to accomplish it but theres a road block that just derails me. I guess, like with everything, I need a push but, like with everything, it's going to have to be a really big push and this time no one is there really pushing me along. I have to push myself and I don't know how I can do that. I'm never that convincing to myself heh.

Anyway that's what has been going through my head.