Depression

Aug. 11th, 2014 10:54 pm
Depression is something that is hard to diagnose and even the person who has it might not know they do. I had been depressed while I was working at my previous job and didn't realize it until I was laid-off. When I got out of it it was like the world of weights was lifted off of me.

Now currently still have a few weights on but still not as overly depressed as I was then, which is funny cause I never really had any outward signs of depression, in fact was more outgoing than I am currently.

In fact most of the time it seems the most depressed people tend to be the people who seem the happiest when you are around them. They want to make you feel happy and maybe some part of them will feel the same way, or because they know they can't be as happy as they can make others. It's like the people who always give the best advise but can't seem to take it themselves.

Anyway depression should never lead to suicide. If you ever feel that way then you should go get help. Call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255 or go to their website here www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

There is always a different option and always someone out there to help.
So I have still got those two sites stuck in my head. In fact it was probably the most fun I have ever had on the net.

For those of you who don't know when the internet first came out it was mostly on AOL but Nintendo was one of the companies that decided to get off AOL and host their own website. There they had loads of information and the best thing a Bulletin Board Service (BBS or what we now just plainly call Forums). The best part of this was on their AOL site and continuing in their own site they basically did interactive fan fiction. This was where they'd take one of their properties and allow people to write their own stories with their own characters. It was great! But slowly Nintendo started to pull away from that and eventually people went their own paths.

A group of them first went to Kupopolis which basically started off as Zelda Fan Fiction but started adding Chrono Trigger and many other RPGish games into the fold.

Another group which I became part of went to create VividImaginaion. At first we wanted to just continue doing our stories but rather than continue with fan fiction we wanted to create our own stuff. Not only that we wanted Vi to be an artistic website that would push the boundaries of the web at the time. Sadly it never got that far and in the end died, but not before creating awesome works of fiction.

Why do I mention all this you may ask? Well I've always loved those sites and always loved that form of writing that I am trying to start my own collaborative fiction/fan fiction/role play fiction website. I hope it will be more than just a passing fancy too. The site is readpanda.com so far I don't really have anything on it (still working on the social aspects... well right now still working on getting the site usable in general) but I hope to soon have interesting stuff.
It's about time for my annual "I miss LJ" post soo lets get to it.

School has been awesome so far. After four classes I have a 3.675 GPA which I think is good (when one of those classes happened to be programming C# which I didn't even know til last semester). It sucks having to take 2 to three classes at a time but at the same time much easier this way in order to learn and get time for work.

Speaking of work... I forgot once more how much I loved/hated retail. And of course if there is something you love in retail that's the first thing they take away from you. I became "Brand" of Men's and Boy's Depts and that involved doing the adjacentcies and Planograms and as soon as I got the position they moved all the POGs and Adjacentcies overnight... the one part that I really wanted to do. At least I am making $9 an hour for something I really don't want to do YAY! Also it doesn't help that they change their HR system to basically a robot that doesn't know anything to schedule us so we can be super understaffed all the time. Thanks god I never changed my school availability over the summer though otherwise I would never have any time off.

As I probably say all too often I should look for another job but I don't know of any places that would work with me while I go to school. I sorta need the flexibility of retail but I need the pay of something much higher than a retail salary.

Life otherwise is... well dull. I want to get out and do stuff again but always feel self conscious about it and not inviting my roommate. I mean I know we are no longer dating and I know he spends a lot of time on SL but still I feel he'd like to get out sometime too. I haven't really hung out with anyone local in a while, a lot of which I understand but some of which I don't. There are a good bunch of locals who I like spending time with... I think I just think too much about these things. I'm constantly spinning my wheels and not going anywhere sometimes, constantly making excuses or just blaming apathy but really it's my own issues. I really need to start reaching out again and start making actual connections and stop being afraid of being myself around people who I feel don't really like who I am.

So basically... same thing different day here XP but for the most part I'm doing good :3
I think everyone has mostly migrated to other forms of social media at this point but this is still nice to get things off my chest.

I started school and I love it so far. Still amazed that I am buying game related things... for school, it's an awesome feeling. My intro to programming class is going pretty well. Not sure if I am catching everything but the way the class is set up it's more of a trial and error, the more errors the more you learn. I do like how the teacher teaches us though. He lets us figure things out and ask questions when we need help. I hope I can learn more though. C# doesn't seem all that hard but we are just at the very cusp of learning what to do with it. As for Intro to Game Design... I dunno. It's partially good but also not. The teacher mainly reads from a powerpoint presentation, which is basically pulled directly from the book, so in essence if you read the book you know what's happening in class. The other portions are a bit better. Last few classes we have been playing a game and improving on it, which means getting together in groups and having a bit of fun figuring things out. Basically whenever the teacher is not talking the class is good XD, Well I wouldn't go that far even but yeah. It just goes to show different teaching styles and how they make people feel. I mean I thought I would love Intro to Game Design and hate Intro to Programming and it's almost the opposite (well not hate ItGD but not love it either).

Job front... I dunno. I feel I am getting too lazy to properly search for a decent job. I mean I don't really care for the Target job anymore even though it was nice at first. There's something good about going into something you're comfortable with, but because of that comfort level it hurts you because people really need to change and grow. I really feel like going back to Target was a step backward, whereas going back to school is a step forward, or a side step. I don't think I fully used college the first time to the best of my potential, and I really think retail jobs completely hamper the school experience mainly because the hours you are at work could be used to interact with other students and gain friends in order to prepare yourself to get a job in the field you want. Everytime I want to go to one of the clubs I have to work. It's rather annoying. And these clubs will help me get a job and know people in the field, gain that network that I never got the first time through. My old school never really stressed how important that was. This also means I need to break out of my shell a bit and try to get to know these people outside of a work/school environment.

I think that's about it for now. I hope I can get a better job soon though cause I really need the money.
It's been a while again but I've been busy a bit.

So here's what's been up.

Been building lots and lots of stuff in SL. Need to learn a 3D program though so I can make better stuff. It makes it nice to be able to build stuff with prim limit isn't in the way though and that's what makes mesh (3D items transfered from such programs like Maya, 3D Max, or Blender) amazing in that aspect. I remade something I made a couple of years ago in SL and it far surpasses what I made previously (which happens to be the American Brewery in Baltimore). Also been just building detailed little things improving my skills but now that I have a desktop I can learn Blender and can make things much more impressive.

I did finally get the job at Target and they... well love me there, and it's funny but I actually like it too. It's nice to be able to move about and do things without asking and have it appreciated rather than trying to do something and being shot down at every turn. I still hate the hours and hate the pay but I keep saying if that's all I hated of this job and all I liked about the other than I would rather be in retail. But of course don't plan to stay there forever which brings me to...

I got accepted into Columbia College for the fall of this year for Game Design. I think this is the course I should take as it combines my creative/creating spirit and writing/English degree with another aspect I like which is video games. I already see half my stories as video games as it is so why not try to make them as such. I am going to make my focus Game Development because I am not much of a programer and can only really build buildings so far haven't really gotten the hang of making textures for them.

In other news I am relatively debt free. I did something many have said is stupid but all the same if I didn't do this I would not have been able to pay my bills as they were. So I looked and found I had enough in my 401K to cover my current debt and the taxes that will ensue by taking it out early so that's what I did. I figured once I got a job in the field I am planning on getting to I can redouble efforts into making up what I had lost. That and I don't have that financial burden hanging over me anymore.

So I think that is it for now. I would say "I will post more frequently" but at this point it's more of a once I remember or see this I will post again XD (eg when I feel like it).

Fell free to reply as you know me I will likely respond :3
There hasn't been much to say here and have actually been writing in a physical journal now just so I can write something every day, but wanted to try and post something here every day. But as long as I am writing things are good.

So what's up.

Well still looking for work and also looking to go back to school in order to get some more education in order to find a job in the field that I want. Basically narrowed down that I really want to focus on writing and video game creation/design. I really should have done that years ago but I guess needed to really figure things out for myself and see that "real work" is basically no different than anything else out there. Work is work is work no matter if you're a fry cook at McDonalds or a Secretary at some big company. I, of course, want something better but at the same time I want something that I will enjoy and not despise and instantly wish I were at home before even getting to work. I mean yeah not all work is awesome but if I describe my favorite things about the job have nothing to do with the job itself then yeah time to find something better. Still I wish it didn't happen the way it did but if it didn't I'd still be looking for something I would rather not do just to have a job and still not pursuing anything further.

Been playing around with Second Life again. I know a lot of people probably look down upon it but for me it's part of my transition to game design and writing and the area that I stay in is very cool. I love the atmosphere there and love the people there. But yeah because of this though writing stories and building things in 3D and getting some training of basic 3D items. Always loved building things in SL when I figured out how, especially buildings, but now trying to make a Literature Annex in New Babbage, where I reside in SL. So basically trying to get some reading/writing circles and get some lectures on writers, genres, and books/series. Hopefully it will work out but plan on only doing a monthly thing with it.

Anyway think that's it for now.
Went back to Target today after applying online and talked to the manager there that I worked with. He seemed eager to have me back so looking forward to getting a call from them and getting a position again. Would be nice because I would prefer to get some constant income coming in.
So applied to Target this evening and will go in tomorrow to talk to my former manager that now works in the current Target close to home. At least this time I won't have to worry about having a car. Hopefully I can get it though just because I need some income coming in and would be one less worry. Then just need to refocus on finding a job I really want.

Also today hung out with a friend and went to see "A Cat in Paris". Very good yet short french cartoon. But it was so good I'd be willing to see it again.
It's funny that I have gone back to Second Life lately, not because of the usual reasons of going back, but because I feel it will actually help me with a few things.

I said yesterday I was aiming to go back to writing and go into the game industry and SL helps with both of these on some level. First writing wise, the area that I reside in SL is called New Babbage and is a very literary artistic steampunk area. It is a role play optional area but there are frequent RPs going on usually in story form. Since I need to sharpen my craft again this is a great place to do it, as I have always used this form of group for writing. When I wrote before it was almost always with Interactive Stories where you created your own character and wrote about their experience in the world the story is about. Well this is the same way really.

The second thing that it helps me is through digital design. SL has the ability to use mesh objects and mesh objects are what are basically used in all video games. So if I could learn a digital 3D art program then I can make things for games and have that skill available as well.
Okay so yesterday I said I was going to start following my dreams again but you may ask how I got here.

Well part of the severance package that my former company gave me was with a career consultant. So far I have realized that I wasn't happy at my old job because of lack of creative output, realized that I have the skills that I can try and get a creative job now, rebuilt my resume to showcase my skills from everything rather than just the jobs I have had, and got a marketing plan to be able to sell myself to prospective employers.

Still need to work on the interview process and probably really need to get more skills if I want to go into the video game industry. But if I want to be a writer... well I need to write more. Which is why I will try to update this almost on a daily basis. Writing wise I know I need to work on my details and narrow down on what I want to say. Basically need to relearn what I knew from my poetry writing class... Maybe I should write a poem again *ponders*

But yeah if you haven't noticed though this has energized me. I am like myself again and even better I'm not going to walk away or hide from failure.
I have been neglecting my LJ for quite some time but I think that is going to change. The main reason for this is because I have had a change of direction in my ideals... or well maybe I found my path again.

Remember waaaaaaaaaay back when this thing started. Back then I wanted to be a writer. That dream never died it just got buried under stupid thing, things that I thought were important. But in truth they weren't important to me. I've realized that any job is a "real" job as long as you enjoy it and if you don't then you need to look for something else. That you have to put some effort into your dreams in order to make them come true and can't just wish they will happen for you.

Yes this has all come because of me being fired. It's like...

You know how you fear failure. Well if you don't I had a huge fear for failure. For me it was easier to not try to do anything than to fail. That was until I failed. Being fired was a huge failure to me and it made me realize I didn't want to be there and didn't want to be doing that and brought me almost back to where I was when I graduated college. Well now I have professional skills and more of an idea what I want to do with my life. I still want to be a writer (so in order to be a writer I should probably be writing more, hence the updating my LJ) but I am more focused with it.

So what I am proposing is I am going to be a writer for fun and for video games. I will probably have to go back to school and also probably going to have to get a job that I don't actually mind doing while pursuing this course of action, which means more than likely retail. This does not mean though I will settle for a retail position, it just means I will continue looking for I want and hone my skills in order to get it.

I have never felt so focused about my dreams than right now and I fell if I don't pursue it this time then I will never follow them.

So expect more of these things from me :3

Fired...

Aug. 21st, 2012 04:47 pm
It's weird... I really don't know how to feel right now.

Angry at myself and at my previous employers.

Upset that I let myself down and really didn't think this would happen.

Tired just so worn out and broken feeling

Relieved...

I hate to say this was a push to find something better but yeah. I was burnt out there and I'm sure they could tell. My work was decent for the most part but was hardly ever perfect. I never really strived for perfection either... I never really strived for anything...

So I can't say I'm overly surprised it happened. I was surprised of course and in general just because I thought I had been doing much better, but apparently not.

Merf. I dunno what to say anymore. I'm not going to bash my boss or the place because it was a good place and my boss was okay. Of course there were issues there but not getting into it just because it will turn into a huge rant I'm afraid.

This has definitely made me want to relook at my life and put forth an effort to do something that I want to do with it rather than try and get something stable... although may need to figure out what that is too.
I haven't written here in a while again. Seems like I really don't know what I want to do anymore.

I'm rather tired of my current job as it just seems like it's an extension of retail just more specialized and finding out that I am getting paid about half as much as I really should be for this position is a little disheartening, that and someone being hired to be over me but seems to know a lot less than even I do doesn't help.

On the good part I have updated my resume a bit and had a friend in DC enter in into his companies website for consideration and for a position that was available. Shortly after got a call for a job interview. Unfortunately by the time the interview came up the position had been filled but still think I did okay for it. I will be, of course, applying to many different places though in order to see if I can get another position somewhere either in the DC are or Chicago.

Also something I kinda didn't expect is I've kinda fallen for someone who has admitted that if I weren't planning on moving that he would be happy to date me. This of course makes me rethink the whole moving thing. I have been interested in him for a long time myself but it seemed to just either never register or something. Now it just makes me not sure if I want to move to DC or just stay in the general area here to be closer/just be with him. He's said to not worry about him and go to DC... which funny enough makes me want to stay and be with him even more. :P

The other thing I really want to improve myself again so I can actually get a job that I feel I would enjoy doing. At this point I don't really care about money as I'm not really making that much anyway, so anything above what I am making now would be great. What I am really looking for though is to not feel like I am burnt out on a daily basis or would rather be elsewhere than here.

I'm tired of feeling like my life is a waste.

In truth I think this feeling has resonated throughout a lot of life right now. It has gotten me, among other concerns, to make me start loosing weight. I have gone from 255 at the beginning of the year down to 232 as of last Friday and continues it slow decline. This for me is huge. I've accomplished something that to me a major change and now want to implement things like this to the rest of my life. The problem is I'm not sure what to do next besides the obvious something.

Anyway needed a good vent as usual. If anyone has questions, comments, smart remarks, feel free to leave a reply.
This has been a hectic last few weeks for me, but really has opened my eyes to some things.

June 7th My ex/roommate/one of my dear friends mom died. It was sudden but apparently after reading through some of her journals she was in pain for quite some time but never told anyone. This hit me extremely hard. Jason's mom always treated me like one of the family and I cared a lot about them. So what happened she suffered a heart attack and Jason left right when he found out to check on her and see if she was okay. On his way there though he found she had already passed. I couldn't handle it. I went home from work that day and couldn't work Friday either. Saturday I took the Amtrak up to Milwaukee to meet up with him and bring some clothes (which unfortunately I brought the wrong things) and basically just be there in his time of need. I wish I could have done more but understand just being there helped him a lot.

The worst thing though this happens right before I am to take off for AC and then to visit my mom, basically two weeks away from Chicago. As much as I needed the vacation myself I really didn't want to leave Jason alone.

But to continue I had fun at AC and basically visited what at this point would consider my extended family, Kelby and Makuus. I spent most of my time with them and even went home after the con with them because I was going to see my mom right afterwords.

AC was a blast and reconnected with a lot of friends that I would say were quickly becoming family as well.

Now I am here at my moms suffering from a bit of concrud and tearing up as I write this. I feel bad that I left Jason to see my mom and to have fun, to see my extended family, and wish I could be there for him. I mean I would be jealous of me at this moment and hope he doesn't harbor any bad feelings towards me, but at the same time this vacation couldn't have happened at any better time. You never know what is going to happen and I am happy to be able to spend this time with my mom.

The other angle is too I have been wanting to move out lately, still considering the DC area and have a couple of friends willing to help me out in order to make it so, but then feel like I am abandoning Jason. I don't want to feel like making my life better is going to be detrimental to his.

So yeah emotional dump on LJ as always. Thanks for listening.
So recently been suggested a book by a friend called Felling Good: The New Mood Therapy (http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-The-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336 ). So far it's a great book and I think if anyone feels depressed they should really check out this book.

So the story behind it. Was talking to my friend saying I had been depressed off and on lately, and if you've read my LJ for a while you can understand (although haven't posted much lately... sorry). So he suggested that I check the book out and told me that there's a lot of writing involved. Well I wanted something and have been tired of doing nothing lately, letting my dreams fall by the way side while I sit on my butt, surf the web and watch TV. So once I got the book I took the little depression test in the front... and really was amazed at how badly I scored myself. I didn't really think I was that depressed and after reading through the book some figured I'm not as bad as some of the people he describes.

But either way just reading the book is making me feel better about myself. I'm realizing that my emotions are the number one cause of my depression and I am in control of my emotions. And also learning that I have to use reasoning with my emotions. I finally did one of the exercises today and it almost took my breath away at how much I wrote and that I wanted to continue. I mean when I pulled myself away from the paper I felt... I dunno exactly it was like I had finally gotten it off my chest and feel that I can actually do something now. I'm sure this is just a first step and need to work on other parts of the writing parts but I really want to do more to get out of my funk and if this is my first step in doing so then great :3

On another similar grain, I have been working on loosing weight by using a calorie counter program called LoseIt! (www.loseit.com ). It's a great site although thinking there are probably more comprehensive ones out there but generally it makes counting calories easy. I've lost about five pounds using is so far and the more I use it the more I see a downward trend. My goal is to get to 185 by December and hopefully I will get there. In truth just loosing any bit of weight is making me happy.

Anyway that's basically why I am feeling good right now.
So I haven't posted here in a long time. I suppose most of my attention has been taken by Twitter which is no big surprise to many but still this was where I blasted all my thoughts. So here's my thoughts currently.

If you've ever read my LJ then you know I'm basically riddled with fears and inability to do much about them. Well recently because of a link [livejournal.com profile] ashland_pup put on his twitter account I have found that it has been my fears, and more importantly The Flinch that has prevented me from doing anything. The Flinch ( http://www.theflinch.com/ ) is basically that moment when you know danger is upon you and you flinch at it. Apparently some people use this to their advantage to power through things and others use it to stay safe. Apparently after reading just part of this I see that's what I am doing. I am staying safe because I fear to even fail.

I obviously need to read more but so far it has let me see that this is what the cause is. As usual the problem is trying to over come these fears, this flinch. It's not as easy as one may think. When you have nothing to loose then doing nothing comes easy, even if there is something to gain from the experience.

Okay I know what you're going to say. He's whining about his fears again, well yes I am but it seems I am trying to do something about them this time then trying to let them control me. I'm tired of fears controlling my life and leaving me a shell of a person that I want to be. I just have to get over this huge obstacle, which for some might seem trivial, but for me it's like a cliff face.

So yeah I really just wanted to post this though for other people who, like me, suffer from fear directing their lives and can't get past go because of the Flinch. It's a good book and I'm sure it will help a lot of people out of their shells of fear.
This has, as every year, been a busy November, not that I am complaining mind you.

I'm not sure how I'm going to say everything that's happened but maybe will go through some lists to make it less wordy.

Events:

MIR
MFF
Thanksgiving
Jury Duty

Points:

-MIR was quite as fun as last year, although missed a few people who normally show up. This weekend was also Perro's Birthday in which we went to Goose Island and most everyone got drunk.
-MFF Was very awesome. Worked before and after it as part of official staff in the Logistics dept. even got a nifty Staff Badge. At the same time being my Tenth MFF I wanted to get a paper badge so I could have it framed next to my other badges that I framed previously. I can't believe it's be over ten years being in the furry fandom :3
-I found that MFF is really a Babyfur con for me. I found myself hanging around them more often than not even when I had plans to go to a certain event, upon going there I felt a little out of place and left to go hang out with my BF friends.
-At MFF I did get to spend a lot of time with someone I really wanted to hang out with for the longest time. It was a blast to spend most of my time with him :3
-Thanksgiving I spent with my Mom in SC. In fact Tuesday morning, which was after the Monday unload of the truck, I flew out to see her.
-Whereas MFF was a very fun and busy con, Thanksgiving was actually very very relaxing. In fact I crashed early after getting there, this was of course after going to the beach almost first thing.
-My mom taught me how to sew. It's complicated but I think now I have much more confidence than I did before with it. In other words I really think I can actually make something myself now.
-Chatted on Skype with one of my best friends while at my moms place. I have to say I love Skype because of this. It felt like I was actually with him... but I wasn't... which unfortunately makes me feel like I really want to move now :P But do love getting to chat with him in person like that and his mate too :3
-Got Zelda for myself this weekend. It's good... but it's like learning how to play all over again. The controls are made specifically for the Wii, which of course is great but it's a bit different.
-Got back on SL... I know I shouldn't but when I got on a lot of the people I knew missed me and in truth I missed it too. I love the RP and the atmosphere of the area I tend to stay in. I also love the rampant creativity of it. So will again have fun with it.

I think that about covers November.

So....

Oct. 12th, 2011 10:55 am
I'm trying not to make this a whining post but I just don't understand this.

I don't understand why I have this constant need to defeat myself before I even start something. I mean I come up with, what I think are, great ideas that I never take action on.

I know the basic reasons of why this is the case: I have low self-esteem, I feel I will fail at it so don't try... But in truth I don't know why I have these feelings in the first place.

I try to be a mostly logical person. I mean yes I, and well everyone really, do get ruled by emotions sometimes and that's okay, but I am letting fear beat me, and I really don't know why I'm afraid.

Maybe because I have been told multiple times that it's way too difficult to do, which in truth shouldn't be a reason to stop but a reason to work harder.

I feel there has to be something that is blocking me from tapping into this because I have the want to do it but the drive doesn't seem to be there.
So I decided I really want to try another website again because I really like playing around with them, but this time I want to be serious about it. I think I want to make it an actual job and not some fake "I wanna do this" kind-of thing.

It does have a little bit to do with my non-used cyan gear site and probably will try to drag another old .com that I have (which I need to get transferred to me).

But I have a new domain which I won't give out fully publically just yet (as it has nothing there anyway).

Anyway this idea is a combination of a past idea and a little bit of a new idea all rolled into one. Years ago I played around with a site called Vividimagination. It was an art site that was truly awesome. Since then I have grown a bit bit still miss it, not because of the site itself but because... I feel that I am more of a muse type than I am a doer. In other words I love coming up with the ideas but can never seem to follow though (with anything it seems). I tried very hard though with Vividimagination though, as much as someone without many skills and no actual art could do. In the end it failed and the name is now gone and I have not moved on but have revised and renewed my ideals about it.

I want my new website to be a creative muse for people. I want people to share their art, look for people to help them (e.g. an artist who wants a writer for a comic or vice versa, a designer who is looking for a sewer, Someone who has an idea and wants to put them into being), education and in the end sales to help these people market themselves.

Putting it in writing makes it a lot bigger than messaging a few people about it. Anyway This is what I want to accomplish. I would hope to get some people to help me with it but from experience I know that usually doesn't happen. So this is what I will be seriously working on for now.
Ohhh LJ how I've missed whining to you...

I think I just realized that I've lost my passion for things. What brought this up actually was what I would call a perfect job for me and trying to apply for it too late. It just made me remember that at one time I did have a passion for something. This also brought back ideas of things I want to set up and do either myself or at least be the muse for.

So this job was an assistant editor for an online video game magazine. I was editing my resume and in the morning knew it was still there but by the afternoon refresh it had been removed. I've always been passionate about video games or at least used to be. Games haven't really lost too much to me but it seems like I have lost a lot of the time to play them like I used to. I'm still excited about certain games but it's nowhere near as excited like I used to be, I guess that's just general growing up.

Anyway this just has made me rethink the store idea again but if I'm going to do it I need help from people mainly because I know I can't do it alone and also because the idea requires a few people anyway. So will probably look into getting some people who are interested in it together and try and set up something. This would also mean I have to get some experience up myself so I can be more than just the creator of this project.
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